On Your Mind | Cynthia Mauleon | Complex PTSD

 

Cynthia Mauleón‘s story isn’t one of sudden triumph but a testament to the enduring human spirit. For 30 years, she battled complex PTSD, a fierce opponent that left scars on her soul; yet within this chronicle lies an ember of hope, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. This isn’t a story of overcoming adversity in a single bound. It’s a raw, honest exploration of the messy, beautiful journey towards reclaiming her wholeness. Cynthia takes you through dark nights of the soul, where fear threatened to paralyze, and moments of triumph, where she learned to trust her inner strength. You’ll witness the moments of paralyzing fear, the quiet victories of self-compassion, and the slow, steady climb towards a life reclaimed. If you are ready to navigate this chronicle of resilience, stay tuned as we embark on this inspiring journey of growing a fierce heart through harnessing the power of perseverance, finding strength in vulnerability, and understanding the transformative potential of the human spirit.

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Cynthia Mauleón Chronicling Her 30-Year Recovery From Complex PTSD

Cynthia Mauleón is a writer, healer, and motivational speaker. She’s a grandmother and an elder, a contemplative and a mystic. She’s a word nerd and a closet librarian who believes in the healing power of books. She’s also an artist and photographer who creates vibrant finger paintings. Following a 30-year career as a Spanish medical interpreter, Cynthia recently retired to pursue her writing and develop other creative and healing gifts. She identifies as a soul whisperer. One who listens and sees deeply, and then creates a safe place for the heart’s longings to make themselves known. She offers healing through her writing, motivational speaking, and intuitive healing sessions.

Cynthia, welcome. It’s delightful to see you. Thanks for joining me in this episode.

Thank you so much for your invitation. I have been looking forward to our conversation for some time.

I’m hoping you can get us started by telling us a little bit about how you got into the work you do and what drives your passion for it.

That is such an excellent question. I love that you frame your discussions that way. As far as my work, I’m going to pivot. I have been recently transitioning out of a 30-year career as a Spanish medical interpreter. I spent probably 10,000 hours or more sitting like a fly on the wall in all these different people’s medical encounters. I was providing the communication, but I was also observing.

Over time, I have developed some ideas about what parts of the therapeutic relationship contribute to healing and what parts take away from that. I feel called at this time. I shifted probably within the last year toward embracing other gifts. I have experience as an energy healer starting with the healing touch. I’ve been a writer for many years. I wrote a book in my profession that was published years ago, which is four medical interpreters but I am now feeling pulled and called to write my own story.

I’ve been working on a memoir. It has been trickling out of me for about a dozen years and fits and starts. Now, I have created a room in my life for it to emerge onto the page. This story’s working title is The Girl Whose Heart Grew Fierce. It’s a story of significant trauma, several of which led to a psychotic break, a suicidal depression, and then 30 years of recovery, finding emotional sobriety, and getting my feet under myself again.

A dear friend of mine asked me, “Why are you writing this? Who are you writing this for?” I thought about that because that’s always a good question. “What’s your purpose?” What I discovered was that my passion for this book comes from the desire to honor my 35-year-old self. The one who was clutching a purse with a suicide note in it struggling to hold onto her life when she didn’t see any way forward.

This story is a testament to her strength, the fierceness of her heart, and the love and determination that saved her life. I think in telling the story, my hope is that other people that are struggling who don’t see a way forward and don’t believe the people around them telling them that this isn’t the end of their life and that there are other options that they don’t believe that.

The Girl Whose Heart Grew Fierce

It’s because I know in my heart, I believed that the lies my brain was telling me were true. I believed my distorted thinking. I believed that I was crazy and that my future was going to look like being locked up in a state institution in a state of psychotic nightmare, which was an unbearable future. I didn’t understand that when depression gets severe enough, it can fundamentally change the way you think.

When depression gets severe enough, it can fundamentally change the way you think. Share on X

When I was hospitalized the second time, which was a three-week hospitalization, and the pivot point toward the beginnings of my healing, I remember a nurse sitting with me and talking about depression. I thought, “Lady, I’m sorry, but I’m not depressed. I’m crazy, and there’s no cure for crazy. You’re very kind. You’re very compassionate, and supportive, and you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

It turns out she did. It turns out my mind was playing tricks on me, and that didn’t have to be the end of my story. Following that hospitalization, I moved to a women’s shelter and I did a year of day treatment based on cognitive behavioral therapy. I need to backtrack a little bit. Maybe I should have led with this piece but the initial trauma that set everything off happened in Mexico in 1989.

I grew up in the Twin Cities. I went away to college in Mexico following a very positive student exchange experience down there. I was in college, then I married, and I started my family. I was working. I lived down there for a total of thirteen years. Toward the end of that time, I had two small children. One evening I was out grocery shopping with my daughter who was three and a half and leaving the grocery store, we were suddenly carjacked and then kidnapped.

We were driven two hours away to Mexico City and brought to a hotel where I needed to leave her with these strangers to go out shopping under the threat that if I let anything slip, if the authorities found out they would turn my daughter over to the really bad guys. Fortunately, we were able to be released. We were not physically harmed, which was an incredible gift but obviously, there were consequences bodily and emotionally from a trauma that was life-threatening.

About maybe four years after that, my first husband and I were going through some very big challenges. In addition to our personal dynamic, not being fabulous at that point, there were issues of infidelity. I left Mexico with my kids to separate from him and get some time to figure out, “If we’re going to move forward, what is that going to look like?” I landed in the home of my father and stepfather. It was my childhood home and I came face to face with the understanding that my childhood had been extremely dysfunctional.

I was caught in this place between being the obedient daughter and following the household rules and standing up for my children for them to be treated in the way that I was raising them, which was much kinder, more encouraging, and more respectful. After being in this situation for about six months with my marriage up in the air and living in a very uncomfortable emotional setting, that was when I had my nervous breakdown.

That happened, and I went to the hospital. I was not welcome to come home. My dad and stepmom had my kids. They asked me to move in with my mom and not having my kids with me meant that I was missing the peace that I was living for. Taking care of them was keeping me alive. I had left my marriage, the country that had become home, and all my support network work, and I couldn’t figure out how to move forward.

In spite of the fact that I was American, I had lived most of my adult life until that time in another country and I had learned how to function as an adult like how to get groceries, how to deal with a car, and how to pay taxes. All these things were in a different cultural context. Even though I was raised as an American, functionally, I was undergoing a tremendous amount of culture shock in addition to the trauma, the grieving, the stress, and the trauma.

Eventually, I got out of the hospital, I lived apart from my kids in the shelter for about four months. I got my feet back under me. I was able to get an apartment, and 1 year or 2 later, started working, having a career, raising my children, and all the things but it was a very long process. I kept doing therapy. I tried all sorts of different options over the years.

They kept throwing psychotropic meds at me. Some of them work better than others, and some of them are not okay. I pursued healing then through a variety of other avenues but doing my therapy all along the way. It wasn’t until perhaps fifteen years later that I met with a therapist who saw something that all the others had missed, which was that not only did I have PTSD. I had complex PTSD the seeds from my trauma where the foundation was laid from the time I was an infant.

While this nervous breakdown appeared to be related to my separation, divorce, kidnapping, and all of these big things, it had started a long, long time before. It was then that the work went a lot deeper and we started working in the body doing somatic therapy. Instead of trying to intellectualize our way into the problem, let the body lead us to where the healing needs to happen and what needs to be released. That’s the big picture, I guess.

Instead of trying to intellectualize our way into the problem, let the body lead us to where the healing needs to happen and what needs to be released. Share on X

What comes to mind for me to say is thank you for sharing. That is one of the most important things that people here in terms of what this show has been trying to share over the years is a sense of hope. Here’s a picture of somebody in their late 20s, or early 30s who feels like I’d be better off dead, who finds a way to create a life that’s productive, joyful, and rewarding. That’s a great thing for a lot of us to hear.

The next thing that comes to mind for me is to ask, “What were the most powerful, effective interventions, or shifts in perspective that you encountered that helped you move from that fifteen years of therapy where you were just treading water into this recognition?” After this therapist says, “Basically, you’ve got complex PTSD.” The way I like to think about that for people is if you have a thoroughly well-constructed bridge on one of the major highways in our country that’s over a span of water, it can sustain the travel of many semis and a Sherman tank, etc.

However, that bridge is analogous to somebody who’s raised in a loving and nurturing environment where they have everything they need in terms of physical, and emotional support, education, a sense of safety, and nurturance. They’re raised by people that know about self-care and they give care to others. Whereas somebody who’s got complex PTSD is analogous to having a bridge that’s made out of toothpicks constructed by high school engineers and you can’t even make a toy car go over it without it collapsing. After you discovered the complex PTSD and the foundational shakiness that needed to be healed, what were some of the best things for you in your pursuit of healing and integration?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I want to backtrack. I want to say that the first best thing was the year that I spent in day treatment doing cognitive behavioral therapy because that laid the foundation for changing my self-talk, and understanding that my inner dialogue and that my way of perceiving things was contributing to my stress.

On Your Mind | Cynthia Mauleon | Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD: Your way of perceiving things contributes to the stress.

 

That when the inner dialogue is negative, it’s false. That’s one of the primary things that cognitive behavioral therapy when done right helps us do. One of my favorite bumper stickers is, “Don’t believe everything you think.”

It was astonishing to start to get a perspective of myself and how perfectionism was making my life impossible. My self-esteem was never going to be complete because my standards were impossibly high. Since I had grown up thinking that was what normal was, I was never going to be successful. It was an understanding that my own thinking was contributing to my illness and starting to break down some of those unhealthy patterns.

That was one thing that was super helpful. Another thing that was critical for me in terms of raising my children, and that can be another complete topic for another day was surrounding myself with communities of people who modeled much healthier behavior so I could see what that looked like. It was because when you’re raised in a way that you’re not treated kindly, not treated with respect, or you feel invisible, that just is so normal that you can’t conceive anything different.

You don’t know how to do it differently.

Exactly. You might know that it doesn’t feel good.

Also, working at trying to do the opposite of what was abusive doesn’t work either.

You fall into a different hole. That was one thing, but I would say the somatic experience of getting into my body, giving myself permission to get a monthly massage, getting into yoga, stretching, making room, and noticing my breath, I think I had lived most of my life completely in my head. I am very analytical. Most of my therapy came from a thinking through-it kind of way and my decision-making came from a long list of pros and cons. Also, checking in with so many friends, praying for God’s will, and trying to figure out what I should be doing or what choices I should be making.

Finally, after years, I got to a place where I could feel the right answer. It came from inside me, from a very deep knowing intuitive place. If I checked in with my body, I could figure out what I needed to do and what I needed not to do. How to set boundaries, how to say no, and how to stand up for myself. Also, to understand that not only was that okay, but it was necessary for my survival. I would say that, and I think the other piece that was helpful for me in my own spiritual, mental, and emotional evolution was getting trained in healing touch and starting to work with energy therapies.

Again, grounding in my body and started to feel like I was getting some sense of why I the suffering, and what was the purpose of all those challenging years. I’m working with a book coach, an amazing woman who’s super supportive of this project. She said, “Just reading your table of contents, how does one person survive all those things?” I’ve had so many challenges and many people do. I know I’m not alone in that but at some point, it was just like, “Is this karma? Did somebody give me the evil eye? Have I been cursed?”

It was just one thing after another and after another between the things that I’ve mentioned, but also, a fire in one home, a tree falling on another, and just so many different challenges. I would say maybe within the last few years, I’ve gone to glimpse some of the whys. I feel like my suffering has shaped me into an incredibly authentic and compassionate human being. There are very few people that I can’t connect with on some level because I’ve learned to be deeply kind to myself and I can share that with other people, with friends of mine, and with people that come to me for some sort of healing.

On Your Mind | Cynthia Mauleon | Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD: Cynthia’s suffering shaped her into an incredibly authentic and compassionate human being.

 

I’m moving into a time of wanting to share the lessons that I have learned with others, and hopefully bring some hopefulness to people who are in the midst of their struggle because I can speak to that. I think authentically, I’m not just offering some trite affirmations or whatever. I can say I carried a suicide note in my purse for three weeks trying to keep myself alive and from doing something that would harm my children also.

The greatest irony of that is that the only thing I remember about that note, I was leaving a note for my children. All the things that I wanted to transmit to them, all the lessons that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to share because I just couldn’t continue. This was this heartfelt letter. The only thing I remember, Tim, was it said, “Never give up.” I appreciated the irony of writing that in a suicide note but there’s something about that. It feels like in some deep way, it was a message to myself.

I have to interrupt because that is so powerful, and I would encourage you to take a deep breath or two and just settle into the body. We can hear the emotions come up. One of the things I’ve learned, one of the best lessons I’ve learned in my life and career is whenever I hear myself giving advice to anybody else, even as a licensed clinical psychologist in therapy, if it comes out of my mouth in the format of, “You need to,” or, “You better,” there’s a part of my mind on my good days, it’s listening and says, “Now, Tim, this is probably really good advice for them because you’re a pretty good therapist and it’s perfect advice for you.”

Our minds will find a way to show us what we need to do most and when it’s an intense, ironic, or painful situation, we’ll find a way to do that by formulating our advice to somebody else. There’s you talking to yourself to never give up and you’re sending it to your kids. It’s a wonderful dynamic. You said something about this happened and this happened, and then you went, because. Again, I almost interrupted and said, “Because you chose to turn your suffering into learning, into healing, and into growth. You did the work and you didn’t give up.” That’s the only reason any of us is still here.

Take another breath. Let some of that energy around all those intense emotions of being so focused on wanting to do the best for your kids and facing an internal reality that says, they’d be better without me. Also, pulling back from the edge of that with this note. Take a breath. We are way close to the end of our work yet, but I want to get centered and have you come back to what you would most like our audience to hear about what worked best for you and how you got past this.

Dealing With Depression

I think one of the most critical things that happened during that time was that my sister who had dealt with her own depression as an adolescent called me. A couple of weeks before this, I had called the therapist that I was working with at that time. I said, “I think I need to go back to the hospital.” I have been a person, who tends to present pretty well. I look like I’ve got it together, and I might be articulate and whatever, but I could be just barely hanging on by a thread inside and nobody would know.

I think that’s important for family and friends of people who are deeply depressed to understand. Looks can be very deceiving. I called my therapist and I said, “I think I need to go back to the hospital.” He discouraged me. As I recall, he didn’t ask me if I was suicidal, which I was. He didn’t ask me if I had a plan, which I did. He said, “You’ve been to the hospital before. You know what’s there to offer. I don’t know that it’s appropriate.”

On Your Mind | Cynthia Mauleon | Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD: It’s important for family and friends of people who are deeply depressed to understand that looks can be very deceiving.

 

I knew I needed help, but he was the mental health professional and he closed off the only resource that I knew that felt maybe appropriate. I thought, “If the hospital can’t help me, then what?” I was at this point catatonic. I would sit, stare at a wall, and just ruminate. The thoughts would go around and around and I couldn’t break out of that. I couldn’t connect with any emotion other than despair and hopelessness.

My sister called me during that time and she said, “Cindy, you need help. You need a second opinion. You are not yourself.” Those words probably saved my life. I called the therapy agency and I got an appointment with a different therapist. I asked them to send me another copy of the MMPI, the psychological test, or whatever. “My therapist doesn’t seem to think I need help, but I am pretty sure I do.” I forced myself to answer that thing, which on a good day is brutal, all the questions and all the things.

There are over 300 questions.

If you didn’t feel crazy before you started, you probably do by the time you’re done with that thing. I took it, uh, to see this other therapist, and I was so depressed. I just sat on the floor. I had my toddler, my two-year-old with me, and my mom. She looked at the results and she said to me, “What are the chances that you might do something to hurt yourself?” I said, “They’re very high,” which surprised the heck out of my mom even though I was living with her. She didn’t know that I was in such a state.

In terms of what to communicate to people, if people around you are struggling, don’t be shy. Don’t be afraid to ask, “Are you okay? Are you thinking of suicide? Can I support you? Can I help you? Can I make a phone call for you?” When you get to a point where you’re so low, your capacity to make decisions is very compromised. Your ability to advocate on your own behalf is very challenging so to help somebody make a phone call can be lifesaving. I need you to repeat your question.

If people around you are struggling, don't be shy. Don't be afraid to ask if they're okay or thinking of suicide. Share on X

You’re doing fine. What I want to say here is since you didn’t launch into it when you’re in a situation and you’re struggling mightily, if you’re the person struggling, if you see somebody struggling, everything you just said, ask the questions, offer support, etc. If you’re the person struggling and you ask for help like you did in this situation, and the person says, “You don’t need that.” What I would advocate is to trust your own judgment. Every one of us knows it’s not easy to ask for help.

If whatever pain inside of you has brought you to the point where you’re asking for help from the outside, trust that that’s needed. If you find somebody who says, “No, you’re fine,” get that second or third or fourth opinion because what is needed more is nurturance and support than there is the old mangled version of tough love in most cases.

I think the other message that I would share is that don’t give up. That’s easy for me to say.

It was at the time.

However, not only just in terms of choosing to continue living. It was a constant evolution of choosing to do something different and to feel better because not all the treatments that I was prescribed were helpful. In fact, some of them have a lot of side effects. I felt for probably the better part of a decade that I was an observer in my own life and that I couldn’t connect with my emotions.

I could see that something was funny, but it didn’t feel funny or I could see that something my kids were doing was absolutely tender and sweet or meaningful, and I couldn’t connect with the emotion. I think some of the medications just made me very numb. For whatever reason, I was blessed with this ferocity, this determination, and this persistence, which is one of the things that I talk about in my memoir that kept pushing me forward and saying, “It’s got to be better than this. My quality of life has to be able to be better than this,” and not settling for just getting by and the bare minimum.

I’m functional, but I’m not alive. I’m not embodying myself. I think the shift not necessarily away from, but to explore, pursue, and bring in modalities that dealt with the body, the somatic experiencing, the yoga, the massage, acupuncture, being in nature, and the energy healing, all of those things complementing. Now, I would say I’m probably 70% to 80% there and only the rest still with some psychotropic stuff, talk therapy, or whatnot.

It’s the transition from looking outside of myself for the answers to finding out how there’s this guidance system within each of us that can provide those answers. Also, developing that connection and my strength of ability to trust it, so that becomes 70% or 80 or 90% of my support because you’ve got a feedback system, this body, this mind, and these emotions. In our culture, we’re taught, “I’m feeling this way because of this, this, and this outside of me.”

As long as I believe that, then I’ve got to find a way to change those things outside of me to change what I’m feeling that I don’t like. However, when I started to observe that my feelings are the result of how I’m choosing to interpret and respond to these things that I perceive, and if I shift what I do with that, the interpretation I’m giving it and the resources that I have, all of a sudden I can change it from in here since that’s where it’s truly being created anyway.

That’s why I’m so glad to hear you say that at this stage of the game, instead of talking about supplementing your medication and your external therapy with this and this, these internal things, the yoga, the somatic therapy, the breath work, and the energy work is the majority of what you do to create the life that you feel is worth living. Also, to be supported a little bit with 10% or 20% of something from the outside is fine.

Even so, I’m trying to transition completely away from the other. I think it’s lived its purpose. I feel like I have gotten so much stronger and fully embodied. I dealt with some of the levels of trauma so that when I am hit with these heavy emotional loads, first of all, they’re much smaller than they used to be and secondly, my capacity to manage them to ride the wave is substantially greater than it’s ever been.

I want to pivot just a minute because I think we’re coming to the end of our time, and one thing that jogged my mind is you’re talking about the signal system, our emotions, and how our body, there’s this feedback loop. I was raised in such a way that I did not start experiencing or at least have an awareness of emotion in my body until maybe I was in my 40s. I intellectualize my emotions, if that makes any sense.

I would feel probably anxious, stressed, or sad but anger was not in my vocabulary. People who are addicted to, we often think of addictions as things like alcohol and drugs, maybe sex, or food but there’s also an addiction to anxiety. There’s an addiction to helping people and to putting other people always ahead of you and if you focus on their problems, you don’t have to feel how horrible you feel in your own body.

Yes. Anything that can serve as a distraction can be an addiction.

Emotional Sobriety

One of the tricky things with that sort of thing and please don’t hear me and I hope your readers don’t either. I’m not trying to minimize in any way the alcohol and drug pieces, but when your addiction is something that you get confirmation or people reward you for behaving in a self-sacrificing way, caring for others, or maybe if you’re addicted to food or sex, you need to do some of that, but you have to limit it.

It’s not an all-or-nothing. You don’t completely eliminate those issues. I would say this practice of recovery from mental illness, for me has been about learning to feel my emotions as they arise instead of running away to my coping mechanisms. I like to call that emotional sobriety. Practicing being with whatever arises, and sometimes that’s pretty unpleasant, but learning that it’s not going to kill me, it’s not going to make me crazy, and it’s part of my healing is to let go of what no longer serves me and be a complete whole human being.

Learn to feel your emotions as they arise instead of running away to your coping mechanisms. Share on X

When you say emotional sobriety, it reminds me of when I interviewed Bill Stierle about his book, The Emotional Sobriety Solution. I told him I was so glad that as I read his book, the definition of emotional sobriety isn’t that I’m abstaining from my emotions. It’s that I’m learning much more deeply how they arise, how to talk about them, how to give them a place of value in my communications, etc. It’s about learning how to deal with them directly rather than letting them be part of my escape pattern from experiencing them.

You’ve already answered the question I was going to stop about now and ask you to review, what would you like to put in here? I think I’d like to take the last couple of minutes to let people know how they can reach out to you if they’re interested and have you talk a little bit about if you know what the timeline is for your memoir.

I would invite folks who would be interested in connecting with me, whether just to say hello, interested in having me do some motivational speaking, or interested in knowing future events in my book, to reach out to my website, www.CynthiaMauleon.com. You can fill out a contact form and then you’ll be on the list to let you know when my book is out. I don’t have a specific timeline. I’m filling in a few gaps that my book coach and I have identified. She’ll do the copy editing and I plan to self-publish. It’s a quicker process and you don’t have to run the gauntlet of so many gatekeepers.

However, that means an investment of around $10,000 so I am exploring ways to help fund that. If any of your listeners would be interested in helping that, whether in honor or memory of a loved one or because they want to get the message out that suicide is not the answer and that there is life after depression, my website would be the most the best way to get ahold of me.

On Your Mind | Cynthia Mauleon | Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD: Suicide is not the answer because there is life after depression.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to be with us, and I look forward to reading the memoir.

Thank you so much for sharing this opportunity with me. I appreciate you and the kindness and depth that you bring to your work. Thank you so much.

You’re welcome and deserving. Blessings.

Cynthia Mauleón is a writer, healer, and motivational speaker. She’s a grandmother and an elder, a contemplative and a mystic. She’s a word nerd and a closet librarian who believes in the healing power of books. She’s also an artist and photographer who creates vibrant finger paintings. Following a 30-year career as a Spanish medical interpreter, Cynthia recently retired to pursue her writing and develop other creative and healing gifts. She identifies as a soul whisperer. One who listens and sees deeply, and then creates a safe place for the heart’s longings to make themselves known. She offers healing through her writing, motivational speaking, and intuitive healing sessions.

Cynthia is passionate about child development, and social justice, particularly around issues of homelessness, racial, and LGBTQ+ equity, and mental health. She’s currently writing a memoir with the working title The Girl Whose Heart Grew Fierce. This explores the intersection of mental illness and spirituality and it chronicles her 30-year journey to recovery from complex post-traumatic stress disorder. She can be reached at her website, CynthiaMauleon.com.

 

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About Cynthia Mauleón

On Your Mind | Cynthia Mauleon | Complex PTSDCynthia Mauleón is a writer, healer, and motivational speaker. She is a grandmother and an elder, a contemplative and a mystic. She is a word nerd and a closet librarian who believes in the healing power of books. She is also an artist and photographer who creates vibrant finger paintings.

Following a thirty-year career as a Spanish medical interpreter, Cynthia recently “retired” to pursue her writing and develop other creative and healing gifts.

Cynthia identifies as a Soul Whisperer, one who listens and sees deeply and creates safe space for the heart’s longings to make themselves known. She offers healing through her writing, motivational speaking, and Intuitive Healing Sessions.

Cynthia is passionate about child development, social justice, (particularly around issues of homelessness, racial and LGBTQ+ equity) and mental health. She is currently writing a memoir with the working title: The Girl Whose Heart grew Fierce, which explores the intersection of mental illness and spirituality and chronicles her thirty-year journey to recover from Complex PTSD.

 

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